Break up advice

K. Paige Reuter is a proud graduate of Duke and Georgetown Universities, has an MA in International Security, and was a Peace Corps volunteer in Jordan.

 

 

Have you ever needed to execute a breakup for a relationship so ridiculous you’re just trying to be creative about the manner in which it goes up in flames? Allow me to provide ideas. Enjoy.

 

1) Invite him to get a pedicure with you. Make a BIG DEAL about it. When he refuses, say, “This is too much. I’m sorry, but it’s over.”

 

2) Buy a box full of small animals (kittens, baby chicks, lizards, whatever), and give them to him as a gift. When he looks at you weird and asks what he’s supposed to do with him, get serious and teary-eyed and say, “Is this how you’re going to react when we have kids?”

 

3) Send him an elaborate email using standard business etiquette, and inform him that he’s being terminated, effective immediately. Give your rationale using high level business jargon.

 

3) Email: My favorite method! I prefer writing. I think it both allows you a chance to say everything you want to without being interrupted, rethink everything you wrote before you hit send, and gives the other person a chance to absorb and process. It enables you to have a level-headed discussion about where the both of you are going and why being a relationship isn’t necessarily the best idea.

 

4) Over the Phone: Would not recommend this. Awkward on all levels. You respect them enough to call them; you don’t respect them enough to actually meet up with them. Sends a lot of mixed signals, you lose a lot of body language, and your only recourse if things go awry is to hang up on them and put your phone on silent for the next year (or, of course, block them).

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