Trying to find myself

As I am writing to you, it is 9 pm. Yup, this is one deadline I’m not going to pretend I barely missed. And yes, I am writing to you, you specifically, and no one else. After weeks of struggling, I finally had a breakthrough on something that has kind of dominated a part of my life, perhaps. See, I don’t really get in trouble. Not because I’m all about being upright, but because the wrong thing often doesn’t appeal to me logically. Lately, I’ve gotten myself into some “trouble”. Not real trouble like with the law or anything, but the kind of trouble people call “discovering yourself” or “just being in college”; I have my own ideas about where that line of thought leads.
No, I got into average, it’s-a-crisis-for-me-when-I’m-thinking-of-it trouble. I’m a twenty year old junior and really just an all-around late bloomer. The latest shade to come alive in my petals was the bright, blistering red of indulgence; you’re being given the freedom to apply deduction as you see fit throughout this little piece. In all honesty, I’m much too calculated to be entirely wild; even my “trouble” is completely and specifically traceable both by what really happened/decision-making processes that lead me to each specific course of action and my thoughts and emotional connections that form a sort of faux-memory. I just pretend it’s otherwise when convenient.
So, with all the moves I had made up to that point and all the possible moves for the next couple of turns in mind, I set further into trouble with people who weren’t even thinking of the

consequences of their immediate actions. It’s almost as if I feel a need to think even more, or generally do more when the other party does less; spoiler—don’t do that, it never ends well for especially you. I wanted to call it quits several times while in trouble, I knew I should’ve. But trouble can be persuasive if you let it be, I let several troubles have power over me, quite consciously, when I knew I was doing the wrong thing. So, why was I letting the wrong thing irrationally have its way? Too easy, I didn’t have a genuine love for the right thing.
I always did the right thing because I considered both my options and the right thing surfaced as the more advantageous course of action. As soon as I decided that wasn’t enough, there was nothing holding me down to the right thing so it became easier and easier to slip into trouble. My advice to you is learn to love the right thing so that choosing it is no longer a choice, but a matter of convicted necessity. This is not the end all be all and I am not writing to you from Elysium. I may wake up any day and decide I prefer trouble only to be back where I started, thinking of how stupid I am to be there again. Be better than me. Let’s be better together and prevent those moments if we can. If we can’t, because we’re only human, that’s fine. Let’s just get up quickly.
It scares me to think I’ve entered into the part of life where you’re expected to impart wisdom, not just receive it. Then again, most things scare me so maybe it isn’t that bad. See? I’m the same half-hearted, free-riding lover of conundrums I was when I first started writing this. It is now 9:36.

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